Swallowed Alive
by akurosa
Summary: Zoro's cursed blade affects him more than he lets on. Character study, maybe a bit AU.


_This is based on the Kubler Ross model, the five stages people are often said to go through when in grief. Thanks to Germangirl who often leaves just wonderful reviews for my one-shots but I never get the chance to thank! _

_This has various scenes from throughout the series and italic scenes in italics are not from the series. It contains slight reference to Moments Like This, Fearing the Worst instead. WARNINGS a charactor study that is slightly very really dark. _

**1. Denial**

The moonlight drapes itself around the swordsman's shoulders. Zoro is pleased at the sheer numbers of the enemies because they are all going to be his guinea pigs in testing his new katanas.

"100 hunters? I'll be your challenger tonight Baroque Works!"

His first try is with Yubashiri. Light and smooth, reacting to its master's needs with the proper strength, it turns out to be the excellent sword the owner has bragged it to be.

Satisfied, Zoro returns Yubashiri in it's sheath and his fingers curl around the second katana's hilt. He frowns; the adrelinene must be running high because his sense ready to fight or flight have swerved sharply to fight. The barrel of wine that is hurled towards him is no surprise and he dismembers it into four parts, pleased at how easily the blade cuts through the wood.

His two katanas will serve him well, Zoro decides and moves to return Kitetsu to its sheath-

_-a flash of movement from his left_-

-Zoro lunges outwards to stop his enemy and in his surprise his concentration crumbles and he feels something slipping into his conscious and it is alien and cold but comforting, protecting and Zoro accepts it.

Kitetsu cuts through stone.

"This one cuts through stone! Unbelievable," Zoro exclaims as he takes a closer look at the blade that doesn't have a single scratch. "But a meitou should cut only when its master intended it to do so."

He looks at his shadow that reflects off the blade(_and feels the strange impulse running in his blood he can't yet put to words) _as he realizes not for the first time.

"This sword is going to cause problems for me..."

_Later Nami has promised Vivi to take her home and they have started to sail once more. Luffy watches over his expanded crew from Merry's head and his gaze falls on the swordsman who is sitting against the balustrades, caring for his weapons. The sight of the people unconscious and bleeding is still in his memory and Luffy will never forget the conversation they've had after they left Logue town. Luffy tilts his head and waits for his first mate to look up. _

_"No," Zoro is calm and confident and everything Luffy knows him to be. The swordsman holds the gaze and assures. "No."_

_(the blood-red hilted katana waits)_

**2. Anger**

"What are you going to do with that stick huh?"

He blocks the first blow and is ready for the second. He snarls at Nami that he is defending them but a small voice in his head reminds him that he can do more. He can defend them by capacitating this arrogant son of a bitch and striking down the rest one by one and wouldn't it be great to bathe in their blood...

Luffy gets up and they are both ready to fight. However, the men in the bar laugh at them. It's not about their looks or young age, or crazy antics. They are laughing at their dreams, that there is no such thing as a sky island.

Luffy orders him to step down and Zoro silently agrees that these men aren't worth the fight.

The small voice in his head disagrees.

He takes the blows and he breaks and bleeds and the voice in his head is _screaming_.

_Later they are walking back to Going Merry. Nami is seething on one side and Zoro is becoming increasingly quiet on the other. From the corner of his eye, Luffy watches Zoro's hand brush against the scarlet hilt more than once. _

_Luffy is pretty sure Zoro doesn't realize it. _

_"Let's go fishing later." Luffy locks his hands behind his head as he brings up cheerfully. Nami is muttering darkly about idiots with the brains of a walnut but Zoro doesn't even look up. "Zoro!"_

_The swordsman's head snaps up and for a moment Luffy tenses because the glaze in his swordsman's eyes is the last thing pirates had seen when Zoro was still a pirate hunter and Zoro _never_ looks at him like that. So Luffy calls him a bit sharply. _

_"Zoro." _

_The storm clears and Zoro blinks. He looks at his captain and sees the alarm that's carefully hidden and he knows what put it there. He hates himself for it. _

_"I'm fine." _

_He answers more harshly than he intends. _

_(the blood-red hilted sword waits) _

**3. Bargaining**

"Chopper! Oi Chopper! Say something! What happened, why are you alone?"

He sees Chopper battered and it's like his blood is running backwards. His soul is burning and Kitetsu's cries that used to be blurred and distant are sharpened. Ancient echoes no longer seem alien because the whispers are encouraging and for once, Zoro is listening.

"A pity. Do you now want to revenge him?"

The burning in his soul intensifies and the rest of the world melts away. Remaining is the sky island warrior standing before him and himself, ready to destroy, to win, to kill.

_Later the others are enjoying the victory and the party when Luffy takes a seat and waits. His captain has noticed the deep lines around his eyes and the way Zoro placed his katanas on the ground beside him so they are within reach but out of touch. The swordsman takes a swig of his beer as he thinks. Luffy rests his cheek on his knees and it is a while before his first mate answers the unspoken question. _

_"Chopper was hurt," Zoro rubs his forehead. "And you were gone." _

_Luffy says nothing and Zoro continues. _

_"I couldn't afford to lose." _

_There is a strained note in Zoro's words and Luffy closes his eyes._

_(the blood-red hilted katana waits)_

**4. Depression**

"Zoro! Zoro, can you hear me! It's me!"

Above the pouring rain and grumbling skies Zoro can hear his tiny friend's frantic shouts. But above even that he can hear something else. Zoro pauses for a second before asking, almost uncertain.

"Chopper?"

Yet there is something more, a soft whisper that speaks of anger and blood and revenge and Zoro can feel the familiar tug in his soul.

"You're stuck! How'd you get in there Zoro!"

Zoro snarls in pain as he feels the strain of Chopper trying to wrestle him out of the chimmney but Chopper suddenly freezes and Zoro can imagine the wide eyed, we're-so-screwed-look on him.

"What-waddowedo!" Chopper yells in one breath. "The wave's nearly here!"

"What do you want me to do?" Zoro groans again because the soft keening in his ears is just getting louder and louder and he needs to damn think how he's going to get out of this damn chimmny and find his damn cursed sword so _will Kitetsu shut the hell up for a god damn moment_-

Zoro's eyes widen in realization.

"Wait a moment," Zoro asks, berating himself for not understanding faster. "You... you have Kitetsu?"

The wild hiss of fury and terror for having been lost is closely followed by joy of hearing the familiar call from its master and it nearly blocks out Chopper's reply.

"I can always tell with that one, it's cursed." Zoro grimaces as he wiggles his fingers. "Thanks for holding on to it! Give it to me quick!"

And Chopper thrusts the hilt into Zoro's hand and Zoro has been bracing himself for the wave of ancient fury and dark lust. He has been bracing himself for the undeniable and irresistible crave that is now always at the edge of his conscious.

What he wasn't ready for was the sheer _relief_.

_Later they are on the sea train to save Robin and the air is filled with anticipation and just the slightest hint of fear. The straw hat crew stands strong though because Robin has stood between them and their enemy and in order to bring her back there is no place for fear. They will not lose because they cannot and so they do not fear it. Luffy has made his decision and is acting upon it which makes him as satisfied as he can be in the present situation. Same goes for the rest of his crew members, yet Luffy frowns when he looks at his first mate closely. The stiff movements aren't because of an injury, otherwise Chopper would have picked it up ages back. Suspecting, Luffy pulls Zoro aside and reluctantly, the swordsman explains. When he finishes Luffy asks a question, the one question that asks everything, the one question Luffy fears he has the answer to. _

_"Was it your relief or Kitetsu's?" _

_Zoro grins wryly but his words are heavy, eyes dark. _

_"Don't ask what you already know." _

_(the blood-red katana waits)_

**5. Acceptance**

They have a time limit. Just beating the enemy isn't good enough this time; their first and only goal is to obtain the key that will save Robin. Zoro knows this, yet he also knows the frusteration because back at the Water 7 with the townspeople, he had to win but not hurt and on his way through the Enies Lobby Gates, he had to win but not enjoy. So when he finds Kaku, the man who has a key and the man Zoro is finally allowed to beat the crap out of, he is estatic. As he tightens his grip around his katanas, he tells the CP9 Agent something not even all his crew mates know-though the agent would never understand.

"It just won't stop howling for blood."

The battle begins and in the end, Zoro wins and takes the key and sets off to find Robin. During the fight and even when Usopp ends up handcuffed to him, Zoro concentrates on being focused and looking collected and he knows all his crew mates would never doubt that it is because they are running out of time and need to save Robin.

The truth is that that's not the whole truth.

He concentrates on their war, the keys, and his captured crew mate because the voice in his head threatens to swallow him alive if he doesn't. He tries with everything he is worth because Robin's life is on the line. Yet certain moments, his concentration breaks and he slips and his raised katana isn't to protect or defend but to hurt and destroy. There is no difference in the immediate battlefield so nobody else would ever know but Zoro himself knows. Even a crew mate in danger of execution isn't enough to stop the voices. The knowledge is devestating; Zoro struggles and fights and resists, but something inside him begins to crumble. Something inside him begins to die.

_Later Robin is by their side again and because of that the world may be in pieces but their world is restored and they are overjoyed. However his captain doesn't let him off the hook that easily. When the celebration of Robin's return culminates into a chaos of songs and drinks and dances, the captain slips beside his first mate. Something about Zoro has changed and Luffy, who will never forget the conversation they've had after leaving Logue Town, is afraid. _

_"Zoro?"_

_"Yes," Zoro is hurting yet still utterly dangerous and for a fleeting moment, completely unrecognizable. The swordsman turns away and admits. "Yes."_

_(the blood-red hilted katana no longer waits-it has won)_


End file.
